Words, I believe, should stick to what they know. Verbs should not moonlight as nouns and nouns should seldom verb. I don’t want my dinner plated. Businessmen should not midwife new projects and mountaineers, please stop your summiting.
Sadly, we cannot retard the stinking tide of linguistic progress, we can only catalogue it – like glum birdspotters watching with damp notebooks as Dr Frankenstein releases flock after flock of accursed winged mutants.
It is in this spirit that I offer a guide to the most loathsome neo-verbisms to infect New Zealand in the past 12 months.
Bin: To put something in the rubbish. “I binned my old cellphone.”
Stadiumise: To move an event to a stadium. Minutes from a Sparc board meeting: “Hockey needs to stadiumise itself.”
Hurricane: To disappoint continually over many years. From court records: “Repeat offenders damage themselves and hurricane their families.”
Inflightvideo: To make a complete dick of yourself by trying too hard. From an internet forum: “I told Jayden if he was going to inflightvideo he could go out with someone else.”
Feildingise: To bore. From a review of the play Chathams: “If the audience was feildingised, they never showed it.”
Brownlee: To grow alarmingly or escalate. From a Yates seed packet. “Planted in spring, expect these pumpkins to brownlee beautifully in late November.”
Looterise: To cause someone to feel ill or vomit. “Cleaning up the cat’s vomit, I almost looterised myself.”
Bobparker: To wear the same garment on consecutive days. From Country Calendar: “… course the cows don’t even know I’m bobparkering – so are they!”
Supremecourt: To grow beautiful to the beholder over time. From children’s book The Swan and the Butterfly: “And you too, ugly kiddie, will supremecourt one fine day!”
Moonman: To falsely predict or cry wolf. From a Reserve Bank press release: “Pundits play with fire by moonmanning a fall in currency value.”
Goff: To disappear from view altogether. From a high-schooler’s short story: “It was so misty, even though Mum and Dad were just up ahead of me, in 10 seconds they both completely goffed.”
Trademe: To waste hours and hours of someone else’s time or resources. From a court report: “The defendant will not trademe the court’s time with his lies.”
Ferritting: Squandering huge amounts of money on a useless folly.
McRoberts: To travel anywhere at the drop of a hat. From a movie trailer: “… and his friend the lovable mcrobertsing Dr Purdy.”
Sensingmurder: To fool the credulous. From a government report on the recession: “… was largely caused by unscrupulous finance companies that knowingly sensingmurdered thousands of small clients.”
Petromilk: To increase ridiculously in value. Overheard conversation: “I was just lucky my house has petromilked amazingly …”
Paquin: To leave the country and never return. From a news article: “Callaghan targets particularly students who have paquinned to Canada or the United States.”
Broadbanding: To deliberately slow things down in order to frustrate. From a cricket commentary: “Murali and Malinga are just broadbanding the Black Caps right now.”
Blackcap: To swing wildly from one extreme to the other. From the new Elizabeth Smither poetry collection: “Washed from side to side/in Fiordland’s blackcapping tides.”
Sniftered: Gone extinct. From The Atlas of New Zealand: “Though forbidding, most of Auckland’s volcanic cones sniftered centuries ago.”
So, although new words will always laws people, there’s no need to leighton about how looterised you are. You can inflightvideo by moonmanning calamity then snifter, or you can relax and let your vocabulary brownlee. At the end of the day, you can’t broadband progress: join in or paquin.