What a year! Disasters, extremes and cute critters.

It was that kind of year. What kind? Exactly. 2011 was a year so extreme there is no theme. Television bounced from tragedy to teapots; from a royal wedding to macaroon-tower mayhem on Master­Chef; from wild weather to Winston. Charlie Sheen’s tiger blood jostled with tiger moms. It was the year it snowed in Auckland.
It was the Year of the Rabbit. It was the year of Pedro and Buddy, Canada’s gay African penguins. It was, I believe, the Year of the Vegetable.

It was the year current affairs meant Paul Henry discussing toilet paper on 60 Minutes: “It should spool off the spool away from the wall.” It was the year an AMR study showed New Zealand has the highest regard for itself of any country. We are now officially delusional.

2011 was a year of heartbreak. Disasters demonstrate why God created television. The official line that profits-above-everything is all we can expect from our state broadcaster was revealed as a spirit-sapping sham as our networks rose to the occasion along with the courageous citizens of Christchurch.

In other breaking cataclysms, there was the end of Osama; the debt crisis in Greece; the earthquake and tsunami in Japan; the massacre in Norway; the UK riots; the Murdoch phone-hacking scandal; the Rena. They messed with Coronation Street.

Such an overload of anxiety can generate a sort of paralysis. So 2011 was the year of planking. And owling. Sometimes all you can do is perch somewhere and blink. It’s probably no accident that this was the year over a quarter of the population couldn’t be arsed voting.

It was the year of the Occupy movement, the perfect existential protest for our petrified times: they are just there, like a rash you shouldn’t ignore, a sign of dis-ease in the body politic.

2011 may well have been the silliest year on record. Alasdair Thompson’s thoughts on women’s “sick problems”; moon man madness with Ken Ring; the saga of Happy Feet, which turned inexorably into the Dead Parrot Sketch – the nonsense unspooled like Paul Henry’s toilet paper. Hugh Grant became an unlikely champion of the people in the Murdoch phone-hacking scandal. Mark Sainsbury – hold the front page – is a muppet.

There was hopeful news for local drama, with The Almighty Johnsons, Nothing Trivial and a season of Sunday Theatre offerings that weren’t half bad. Sky’s SoHo brought quality back, at a price, with Treme, The Hour, The Killing, etc. Comedy continued to thrive with 7 Days, Super City, Angry Boys and Rugby World Cup commentary.

Prime remains a great little channel: Downton Abbey, Luther and Wife Swap. And it’s still free. Maori Tele­vision remains a national treasure. Meanwhile, the Heartland channel is only available if you pay for it on Sky. There are reports that TVNZ 7, a channel of comment, culture and other democracy-enhancing activities, may become a 24-hour shopping channel. You couldn’t make it up.

Nevertheless, this column will celebrate, in its highly subjective manner, the glory – good and ghastly – that was tele­vision 2011.

Happy holidays.

The 100% Delusional Award: Charlie Sheen: “I’m not bipolar, I’m bi-winning!”; John Key’s “In comparison with the rest of the world, we are 100% pure.”

The “Let’s Have a Heated Debate” Award: Campbell Live. John Campbell gave Ken Ring a serve. Mihingarangi Forbes went a few gruelling rounds with Alasdair Thompson. At least they still give a damn.

Documentary of the Year: The Grand Tour: Jeremy Wells with the NZSO caused a scandal. TV1’s A Rotten Shame did God’s work on leaky homes, and TV3’s Inside Child Poverty did the same for another national disgrace.

Best Local Drama: Nothing Trivial was fun. The Almighty Johnsons was ridiculous and really good. Fiona Samuel’s Bliss was first-rate.

Mad Men Award for Marketing Gone Wrong: The Wellywood sign; Don Brash; anything involving Paul Henry and Richard Simmons … Winner: an ex-All Black in a pink car urging us not to have sex.

The John Key “I’ll be a Monkey’s Uncle” Award for Animal of the Year: Blindy the blind sheep; Taranaki’s albino hedgehog (Whitey?); Smokey the loud-purring cat; Manukura, the grumpy white kiwi … In the end, even the gay penguins and Richie McCow can’t compete with poor old Happy Feet. RIP.

Least Surprising Result of the Year: the election; the fate of Happy Feet; Mark Sainsbury is a muppet.

Insult of the Year: Don Brash’s “deceitful bastard”; John Key’s “drunken sailor”. Did someone call Don Brash a “strange fellow”?

The “Strange Fellow” Award: Where to begin? Charlie Sheen, Paul Henry, Michael Laws, Winston Peters … The scary thing is that all of them have run for, have been in or are currently in Parliament, except Charlie Sheen and he’s looking for work.

Best Possible Job for Charlie Sheen: New Zealand First MP – all they need is a Vatican assassin warlock to complete the set.

Best Current Affairs: Maori TV’s Native Affairs, for something completely different. Campbell Live for giving a damn about Christchurch, poverty and the price of milk.

The Gone Gonzo Award for Best Reporter: TV1’s retiring US correspondent Tim Wilson (it just won’t be the same); TV3’s Patrick Gower.

The “You’re Not in Guatemala Now” Award for Best Local Line: Billy: “And the cats, Billy! Both of them garrotted!”

The My Eyes Are Decorating a Brothel Award (new category!): former Act MP Hilary Calvert.

The Silly Chook Award: to Hilary Calvert, for her remarks on TVNZ 7’s Back Benches: “I don’t care if they display the characteristics of chopping their heads off and running around the garden without their heads, either!” She was referring to chickens, not her Act colleagues.

The Womb with a View Award for Body Part of the Year: “If he doesn’t get back here sharpish, he’ll be wearing his bits as a bobble hat.” – Carla on Corrie has plans for Nick. “Get your nuts checked.” – Fight for Life’s Matua Parkinson does his, um, bit, for prostate cancer awareness. “Me womb’s on the World Wide Web!”­
– Corrie’s Molly finds fame.

Most Overused Words: “I’m taking a principled stance.” As opposed, presumably, to all those other, unprincipled stances. “Nek minute”: silly internet fad or profound meditation on the fundamental fragility of the human condition? Teapot.

Oops of the Year: Someone on TV3’s website confuses the dead Osama with the very much alive Obama. TV1’s Melissa Stokes mistakes the Albany tornado for a tsunami. Do not leave your scooter outside the dairy.

Derriere of the Year (new category!): Pippa Middleton.

The Ebenezer Scrooge Award for Broadcasting Bah Humbuggery: To those who are selling the soul of New Zealand broadcasting. You know who you are.

Here’s what they said:

“To God be the glory!”
Oprah signs off on a humble note.

“I have three children. I have a period every month.”
Mihingarangi Forbes shares on Campbell Live.

“You’re a deceitful bastard, to be quite frank.”
Don Brash is quite frank with Patrick Gower.

“It’s bloody exciting!”
Young Nat is bloody excited.

“Getting hits as we speak!”
Tyrone monitors Molly’s womb on YouTube.

“We care about people ahead of silly little chickens.”
We’re going to miss Hilary Calvert.

“That’s a very odd whistle. I think her pea had got caught.”
Netball commentator does her bit for the Year of the Vegetable.

“He walked around the ground like a lion marking his territory.”
Not Andrew Williams but a ­pre-match Richie McCaw.

“Thing about t’wrong end of the stick is that it looks exactly the same as t’right end of the stick.”
Coronation Street’s Trev the trash man captures the zeitgeist of a crazy, mixed-up year.