TV ads add mini-drama

Where would we be without the mini-dramas in TV commercials?

A still from the NZTA’s brilliant attempt to capture the hearts and minds of young male drivers.

Queuing for coffee at the wharf, a mum takes the opportunity to give her toddler a lesson on consumerism. The little guy wants a cookie. That cookie. “This one is exactly the same,” explains his mother, brandishing a plainly wrapped treat. “The other one just has more packaging so you have to pay an extra 50c.” A tiny index finger extends implacably in the direction of the more colourful wrapper. “I want that one.” No contest.

Advertising and marketing: demon professions that know how to appeal to some innate magpie region of the human brain that likes pretty, shiny things, even if they cost 50c more.

If you can’t beat it, you might as well enjoy the ride. That’s always been my approach to TV commercials. I don’t mind being shouted at by the Briscoes Lady year in year out. Like summer rain in Auckland, she’s a sign of continuity in chaotic times.

The ad break is an endangered species these days, thanks to the great evolutionary advance that is the fast-forward button. In our household, he who controls the remote won’t willingly watch anything in real time. Which, to be fair, has possibly saved us years of our lives and the ignominy of owning an Ab Circle Pro.

But in some ways ad breaks serve a higher purpose. It’s an opportunity to put the kettle on. Or, if you’re the sort of family where everyone’s a critic, to go, “Oh, for God’s sake!”, and “What is John Campbell on?” for three minutes.

And you might actually miss mini-dramas better than most real programmes. I’m not talking about the Countdown family (“Sure love those avos, eh?”) who lose out in the supermarket soap-acting stakes to the Pak’nSave stickman. This year I have liked, largely against my better judgment, that Match Fit campaign where the sergeant major screamed at us to get our pimply asses on the couch to watch the Rugby World Cup on Sky.

There is also the New Zealand Transport Agency’s latest, most brilliant attempt to capture the hearts and minds of young males with the drink-driving message. It’s called

“Legend” and involves the dilemma of a young man at a party who wants to stop his friend from driving – “Oh noo! George is wasted!” – after too many beers. He draws unwelcome attention to himself by thinking – “I’ve been internalising a really complicated situation in my head” – during which time he imagines being haunted by Ghost George, who, annoyingly, offers him some chips. “You know I can’t grab your ghost chips!”

Risking peer ridicule and potentially emasculating derision from the lovely Monique, he confronts his friend – “Nah, you’re too drunk, Bru!” – and unexpectedly earns the admiration of all.

The ad is fun, wonderfully acted and as seductive as a flashy cookie wrapper. As to whether it stops anyone drink-driving, who knows? But it’s become an online sensation and has added some new catchphrases – “Monique thinks you’re dumb”, “ghost chips”, “Spoon!” – to the vernacular. “Even beta then nek minit,” approved an online commentator. “Needs thucker accents,” said some smart-ass. Give these guys and their ghost chups a sutcom.

In other marketing news of the “Oh noo, Bru!” variety, Auckland’s St Matthew-in-the City has put up another of its provocative billboards, this time of the Virgin Mary holding a

pregnancy test kit and looking perplexed and anxious at the results. From memory, this initial reaction is not entirely without biblical authority. And the scene is sweet, lending a very human dimension to a seasonal story.

But no. A Catholic Action Group member took to it with scissors and suggested St Matthew’s vicar Glynn Cardy would burn in Hell. “We don’t look for trouble, but watch out when you start this sort of thing!” said Catholic Action’s Arthur Skinner. All he was missing was one of those protest signs made famous by the hapless men of God on Father Ted: “Down With This Sort of Thing.”

Still, you can’t have people going around expressing views freely in a democracy. Though tolerance would seem to have some biblical authority as well. “Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls.”  (Romans 14:1-4).

It’s always bewildering when people – whether it’s jihadists, ultra-Orthodox Jews defacing posters of women in Jerusalem, or Catholic activists – destroy in the name of something that’s supposed to be about peace and love. Whatever these actions demonstrate it’s not strength of faith. A strong faith couldn’t be so easily threatened.

This was all playing out as Christopher Hitchens, who maintained that religion poisons everything, died. Glynn Cardy did the Christian thing and turned the other cheek. All the other side did for their cause was make it seem as if Hitchens had a point.