Some of the hundreds of submissions, as one writer in the Independent observed, “require a working knowledge of Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle to understand”.
Here are 15 of the best suggestions, in no particular order, most of which shouldn’t demand a doctorate. Sorry, intellectuals, they’re not all that intellectual.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac? … a person who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
A palindrome walks into a bar, says “Yasraba Otni Sklawem Ordnilapa”.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, “How much for a beer?” The bartender replies “For you? No charge!”
Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react.
The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”
Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks if he wants a drinks. “I think not,” Descartes says. And then he disappears.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
[As one clever-clogs commented beneath, “That'd be Proudhon”.]
A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies “No I’m traveling light
And the highest ranked dumb joke?
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says “Hey, you’re a handsome fellow.” The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says “Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You’re a smart man.” Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender “Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!” Bartender says “Don’t worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary.”