“Can you briefly explain what life in New Zealand is like,” asked Ariistokats, “or what it would be like for an American?” The question, posted at the enormously popular “social news” site Reddit, has elicited more than 1,100 responses since being posted last week.
Some are helpful, some dorkish, but most of the answers voted by the community to the top of the pile are delicious lies.
“While it is true we are still largely a cannibalistic society, we mostly reserve the consumption of human flesh to ceremonial occasions,” begins the highest-ranked advice.
“It’s unlikely as a tourist that you will be eaten but you’d be wise to err on the side of caution. Americans are especially valued for their ample rumps and tender texture owing to their years of slothful, sedentary lifestyle. As a civilised nation, we try no to victim-blame, but if you go about with condiments on your person you really are asking for it.”
The second most endorsed response, from Vlotyg, offers a helpful glossary:
Bach: Pronounced ‘bark’, like the composer. Refers to a square of land used to graze young moas.
Barbie: Named after the toy. A storage facility.
Bush: Ironic name for ‘city’. Popular cities include Hamilton and Invercargill.
BYO: Bake Your Own. Refers to a social gathering to which you bring a plate of baking.
Chilly bin: Where you put your garbage.
Dairy: Shop where you can milk your own cow.
Gumboots: Someone who regularly chews gum. Affectionate term.
Hangi: Massive piss up.
Kiwi: Chinese gooseberry.
Lolly: Cough lozenge.
Mate: Expression meaning ‘oh my god’.
Togs: Ski gear.
I might have missed some. Good luck for when you get here, you’ll love it! Don’t forget to talk about all the things you’ve done, we love success stories.