How Monopoly cards for Auckland, Wellington and Christchurch should read

By Toby Manhire In The Internaut

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News that an Auckland version of the board game Monopoly is to be launched prompted an imaginative few to ponder on Twitter how a brutally honest version might look.

 

Megan Robinson tweeted:

Was asked to launch of Monopoly Auckland edition, there’ll be no Free Parking anywhere and you can’t afford to buy a house.

 

The Egonomist:

Are you able to buy public works/utilities in Auckland Monopoly, or should I just wait a couple of years and buy them in real life?

 

Dovil:

No matter what street you fall on you still don’t have enough to buy a house.

 

Which in short time triggered a series of hashtags detailing what might appear on a Chance or Community Chest card for the game in various of New Zealand’s cities. Since yesterday afternoon, there have been more than 1,200 of the confounded things tweeted.

Here’s a selection (click on the tweet to see who conjured it) …

 

#AucklandMonopolyCards

Pay hospital $100. For parking.

The communists have sabotaged the value of your electric company shares. Sell one of your houses.

You attempt to catch a train from the Airport to Britomart. Miss ten thousand turns.

You land at Kim Jim Tim Vestor’s mansion, via helicopter. Go straight to Parliament. Collect ministerial salary.

You see Mathew Ridge walking a pram down Ponsonby Rd. Pay all players $50

Google Maps directs you to drive over Grafton Bridge. Pay the bank $200.

You’ve won tickets to a sporting event! Enjoy a night of horrendous music from 2001 and watered down $10 beer.

go to spqr. realise the vast emptiness that exists inside you. fail to fill it with pizza. stare into the void. die.

Give your cat a more sensible name than your daughter.

You stay in town over a long weekend. Fast track to anywhere on the board.

Bank error in your favour. Westpac pays you $10 million.

You sell your mysterious logistics company in the tax-haven of Monaco. Collect the Warriors and a Knighthood.

Your #MyFoodBag has one too few goji berries in it. Nosh is closed. Starve.

You’re on K Road. Margaret asks you for a cigarette, and you give her one. Collect $50.

You have bought a property in the Grammar zone. Pay the bank $10,000 a turn for the rest of the game.

Your favourite band is playing so late at the Vector they go all the way to 11.15pm. Miss 3 turns and the last ferry.

You work in advertising/marketing/PR, spend all afternoon making hashtag jokes on Twitter. Collect $200 anyway.

Go back home and ask yourself “what have I become?”

 

#WellingtonMonopolyCards

Go to directly to Blair Street. Do not pass Allen Street. Are you on Blair Street? No, that’s Allen Street.

You are caught carrying a cup of Starbucks. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200

You overhear a mid-40′s blonde woman calling her daughters “Ruby” and “Stella” in Thorndon New World. Miss a turn

Your truck gets stuck on Devon St: Miss a turn

Cross Cook Strait on one of those ‘storm of the century’ days, that happen yearly. Lose a turn (and your lunch).

You try to enter the Garage Project tasting room but your beard is inadequate. Go directly to Hotel Bristol.

Caught putting dishwashing liquid in the bucket fountain. Go straight to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200

You meet someone who isn’t a policy analyst. Roll again

You encounter no turbulence when landing at the Airport. Advance to go and collect $200,000. Tell all your friends.

You persuade Al Brown to come back & do sliders & bagels in Welly. Collect $2000

You work for a govt agency and email out private client information. Miss a turn to consult privacy lawyer

All your buildings require earthquake strengthening. Pay 20% of their value to the bank.

 

There is a poignant tinge to many of the #ChristchurchMonopolyCards

You sort of own this property but you can’t do anything useful with it. Try again in 2 years time.

someone asks you which school you went to. miss a bunch of turns talking about it

You step in liquefaction, miss a turn.

You are assessed for street repairs. $40 per house, $115 per hotel. Or just knock them down, whatever.

There’s an earthquake: a woodwork teacher in a kilt seizes control of the board & changes the rules so you can’t stop him.

Your private details are leaked by EQC. Take a chance card.

PM visits and calls Cantabrians “resilient”. Bang your head against the wall repeatedly to show your resilience.

You realise that a pack of muppets are going to ruin what’s left of your city. Go to Aussie.

halfway through the game, the Govt tells you a third of the board is now a green frame and your streets are a stadium.

You’d like to go out for dinner. But everywhere is booked for months. Go directly to McDonalds. Skip a turn.

You go to Aikmans for a Thursday night drink. Go directly home & shag a real estate agent.

Your home is reassessed for repairs. And reassessed. And reassessed. Miss 2 years.

 

#DunedinMonopolyCards

Build a stadium. Contribute 90% of your GO money for the rest of the game and halfway into the next.

#GisborneMonopolyCards

Go to Pak n Save, ‘forget’ about the 1kg meat pack down your pj pants. Go to jail.

 

And this one, aimed at, um, those who write stories by cobbling together tweets:

The New Zealand Herald prints one of your tweets. Nothing much happens.

More by Toby Manhire

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