If World War One was a bar fight

By Toby Manhire In The Internaut

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With a deluge of World War I 100-year anniversary coverage on its way, an unorthodox appetiser, “If World War I was a bar fight”, has been dusted off and circulated online.

The authorship is not clear, but it has been bobbling around for at least a few years, having been picked up in a 2010 post for the Economist here.

As to its educational value, I would note simply that it was approvingly shared by the NZ History site’s “Classroom blog” the other day.

The version posted at The Meta Picture goes like this:

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria’s pint.

Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg.

Germany expresses its support for Austria’s point of view.

Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit.

Serbia points out that it can’t afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria’s trousers.

Russia and Serbia look at Austria.

Austria asks Serbia who it’s looking at.

Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone.

Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.

Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene.

Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?

Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action.

Britain and France ask Germany whether it’s looking at Belgium.

Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.

Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium.

France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other.

Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it’s on Britain’s side, but stays there. Turkey punches Russia in the back of the head when Russia isn’t looking. Britain and France tell Turkey that’s not on and once they’ve sorted Germany out Turkey’s next. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.

Australia (and New Zealand) punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings though because Britain made Australia do it.

France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.

Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting.

America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.

By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany’s fault. While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.

See also: Britain accused of “whitewashing” ANZAC role in First World War

Are we approaching the end of wars?

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One Response to “If World War One was a bar fight”

  1. apple22 Mar 24 2014, 9:30am

    The sequel:

    Everyone leaves the bar, apart from Germany, which is left moaning and aching on the floor, with Austria offering to help it up. Eventually, the two stagger off into the night.

    The next morning, Germany wakes up with a hangover but decides it’s time for revenge. It gives up the booze, and begins undertaking strenuous gym sessions to build up its muscles, with Austria always present to offer encouragement whenever necessary.

    One by one, the others who had been at the bar fight start to notice how much more fit and even intimidating Germany is looking. Russia is out of shape but has one of those bodies that can absorb the punches. However, it realises the importance of keeping fit, and so does some occasional gym work.

    Britain has a nagging voice in its head telling it that it’s time for some body-building of its own, but can’t quite summon up the motivation to go to the gym.

    France starts to feel uncomfortable looking over the fence at its newly-muscled Teutonic neighbour and so plants a large hedge on the boundary. After all, out of sight is out of mind.

    Sooner than most people anticipated, Germany starts showing off how strong it has become as a result of all its gym work. It starts to pick a few fights with the scrawniest people it can find – like Sudetenland – and easily beats them.

    Britain, now frantically doing all the weights and press-ups it can manage – shouts at Germany: “stop picking on others or you’ll have us to deal with!” Germany laughs at the thought that anyone can gt in the way of its muscular ambition.

    German then punbches Poland – and other weakling within reach – straight in the face to show everyone who’s now in charge. Britain is looking on with growing anger, which soon erupts. It rolls its sleeves up, throws off its cloth cap, and calls Germany back into the bar to sort the matter out once and for all.

    Paul Moon
    Report Report

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