Man versus printer: an epic, hilarious TradeMe post

By Toby Manhire In The Internaut

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“Words cannot express how much I hate this printer,” begins the TradeMe listing.

Many thousands of words later, an anguished Nick Ward has answered hundreds and hundreds of questions about his accursed HP Wireless printer.

By Sunday evening, it had reached a highest bid of $255, but what is really remarkably is this: the page had been viewed more than 85,000 times.

Ward, a film-maker, explains in the product description blurb that the hardware, he’s convinced, is cursed.

It never works when I need it to – it’s like it knows when I have to urgently print something. It randomly decides if it wants to work wirelessly or not. And scanning wirelessly? Forget about it! …

So why on earth would you want this unholy piece of garbage? Well there’s a good chance it will work for you there’s nothing technically wrong with it except it has a soul of pure darkness. Maybe you can tame it.

He offers an alternative.

If you, like me, think that Hewlett Packard makes the worst printers in the history of technology then I will SMASH this piece of sub-standard feculence into a million pieces on your behalf and send you a tiny bit of it for your collection. I will also post a video of the smashing to Youtube so you and all your friends can enjoy watching it get what’s coming to it.

But things really kick off in the comments beneath.

A selection:

Q. Would it be acceptable to set it on fire, then smash it while burning?

A. It would be more than acceptable. It’s possible the only way to kill this thing is with fire.

*

Q. Poor defenceless Officejet.

A. Do not feel pity for it. This printer would kill you and everything you love in a heartbeat.

*

Q. Hello, I am sure your printer sent mine a fax last night, It simply stated this listing number and the words don’t fall asleep, then 30 pages of mwwhahahahaha. good luck.

A. Now you have an idea what I’ve had to put up with all this time.

*

Q. Have you considered performing an exorcism?

A. That time has passed. All that’s left is a scorched earth policy I’m afraid. There is no hope for it.

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Q. Have you prayed for the healing of it?

A. Many, many times I have called out to God in the presence of this printer.

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Q. I really want this for my mother-in-law. Can you guarantee it will work the same for her, as it does for you?

A. Given that this is an object of pure evil chances are it will give her years of trouble-free service.

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Q. I actually do have framed picture hanging in my hallway, of the death of my old laptop. It too was completely evil. I had someone photograph me smashing it, burning it, and finally running over it with my car. Then I framed the photos with a few keys and some circuitry, and it fills me with satisfaction each time I walk down the hall. I recommend the memento, -it is great to remind yourself that in the end you won.

A. You are an inspiration to me. I hit my hat to you.

*

Q. You sound very bitter. It sounds like the printer liked to mess with your mind. I have an ex-husband like that. I would prefer to have the printer.

A. I used to be full of love and happiness. But that was before the printer came into my life. Did your husband ever jam up and refuse to work?

*

Q. If I win the auction will you poo on it?

A. This auction has taken an unexpected turn. I’m going to say no.

*

Q. If the winner of the auction wants it destroyed, I have a flamethrower that could help and I’m only bit up the line from you and would be happy to offer my services :)

A. Really? Oh things just got very exciting. I’m going to whisper this news to the printer right now – followed by “sleep tight”.

*

Q. Dear sir, you seem like a reasonable and resourceful person, noble even. However looking at your top bid I feel you aren’t being suitably compensated for your hurt and suffering. Have you considered a trade? I have within my means suitably, sadistic, painful and humiliating end for your tormentor that will take place on consecrated ground. As a fair trade there is this old lady at the end of my street I need you to “take care of”, I believe she is the soul twin of your cursed peripheral. Trade?

A. So you’ll take the printer off my hands if I kill a little old lady? I think you’ve got the wrong idea about me. Still you sound like a lovely person.

*

Q. Put it through a wood chipper.

A. Oh yes. My only worry is that might sent tiny particles into the atmosphere. Spreading evil – like triffid seeds – across the globe. But good idea.

*

Q. I was just thinking, why doesn’t someone count all the questions and see if you can get a Guiness World record on the most questions on a TradeMe auction???

A. Answering these questions has now become my life’s work.

*

Q. My cat loves sleeping on my printer. Maybe this is the way forward for your printer?

A. The cat just hisses at my printer. Animals can sense things we can’t. That why I took it to the shop when I brought me new printer. No reaction to the Brother. Passed the test.

*

Q. sant believe what im seeing some idiots out there

A. I sant believe it either.

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Q. sant believe what im seeing some idiots out there

A. What if there were no hypothetical situations?

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Q. sant believe what im seeing some idiots out there

A. Yep so many idiots.

*

Q. sant believe what im seeing some idiots out there

A. If you choke a Smurf, what colour will it turn?

*

Q. Hi, its your printer here.Think you can get rid of me that easily.Hide me in the basement will you.You can try and kill me,but I will come back as a toaster.Think i cant print anything,well the family are going to love the porn I sent them. Sleep with one eye open,and that goes for your cat too. ps why does the word lisp,have an s in it.

A. Hello Printer. I’m so glad you’re reading all this. You’re talking big but I know you’re scared. Well suffer in your jocks you deserve this. And yes why does it have an “S” in it. That seems unnecessarily cruel. Something you can identify with I’m sure you heartless monster.

*

Q. Two questions: Are you a male? Are you single? I would date you on the strength of this listing and the ensuing conversation alone!  

A. I’m male and happily unsingle. Thanks for the offer I am certainly getting a lot more than I bargained for with this auction.

*

Q. Two questions: Are you a male? Are you single? I would date you on the strength of this listing and the ensuing conversation alone!

A. You are persistent I’ll give you that. I’m still not single.

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Q. Two questions: Are you a male? Are you single? I would date you on the strength of this listing and the ensuing conversation alone!

A. Yep still not single. Although with the amount of time I’m spending on this auction…

*                                                                                                                       

Q. My HP laptop is likewise possessed…only turns on with a usb stick plugged into the left hand front slot…ONLY that slot…the sound comes and goes…usually 5 minutes before the end of something we are watching…and the creepiest bit is the usb stick it prefers is black with white skulls and cross bones on it!

A. That is creepy. Do you think it might be trying to tell you something?


Ward says he’s already been offered a book deal based on the exchange. Read the rest of it – including some much longer responses to accidental repeat-post questions, here.

 

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