Lockwood "sorry, what?" Smith in the house today.

During parliamentary question time today, a monkey was running the mixing desk, and we could barely hear Lockwood Smith.

There was, as the speaker would later say, “apparently a failure in the circuitry somewhere”. By that point he had four microphones mounted around him.

But, he added, “what you need to be aware of is that your speakers are on full-time” and members should take care over the “intellectual content” of their interjections.

And it was true: individual MPs’ microphones seemed to be permanently active, allowing us to pick up some of the mutterings and heckles that we wouldn’t otherwise be able to enjoy.

I wrote some down, when I could discern actual words amid the mumble.

Mostly I don’t know who said them, but I think you’ll agree it’s explosive stuff.

Stick to your principles.

Stick to your principles.

Stick to your principles, John.

Pathetic.

What do you believe?

What about the private sector?

Silly bugger.

Oath!

Finally!

Royal we.

It’s the royal we.

Hey!

Oh, something you can deal with?

How much is that?

What’s doing nothing?

What’s doing nothing doing?

Where are the jobs?

Where are the jobs?

Where are the jobs?

What?

Where are the jobs?

Thousands a week!

He’s gone!

He’s gone!

He’s gone!

Pick One.

One.

Hiding!

What do you call that?

Do a U-turn!

What?

We heard you on the radio.