The terrible truth about Lorde’s real age

By Toby Manhire In The Internaut

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29th January, 2014 1 comment

Lorde, aged 17-45. Photo/David White

The fame of Auckland’s superstar teenage singer-songwriter has grown so dramatically that no longer is attention limited to the music, the personality, and the important things like lipstick colour.

Foreign Policy has used her success as a newspeg for a story about inequality in New Zealand, headlined “Hey Lorde, just who are these Maybach-driving New Zealanders?“, which is a reasonably interesting read even if it for the most part spectacularly misses the point of the song.

And she’s even become the centre of a mini-conspiracy storm.

Emma Carmichael at the Hairpin explains:

How old is the New Zealand singer Lorde, certain particularly obnoxious internet circles have been wondering over the last few months. (Not without cause: “[The Virgin Suicides] really resonated with me as a teenager,” the singer told Rookie’s Tavi Gevinson recently. “I mean,” she continued, “I am still a teenager.”)

She also told Vanity Fair she was 45. Which you’ll agree is a lot more than 17. A whole lot.

Carmichael, with an ironic nod to the Obama “birther” movement, has even sought out Lorde’s birth certificate. Disappointingly, it confirms she’s 17. But it would, wouldn’t it?

At Gawker, Max Read digs up, among Lorde’s lyrics, this:

“I’m kind of older than I was when I reveled without a care.”

He adds:

Can we trust the New Zealand government? (Side question: Is Lorde even actually from New Zealand? Did you hear her accent at the Grammys? What part of New Zealand is California in?)

What no one seems yet to have cottoned on to is that John Key, the New Zealand prime minister, and therefore man who said to Lorde “let me be your ruler”, played golf with Barack Obama, the Kenya-born president, in Hawaii the other day.

Just what went on then? John Key said this week that the two men discussed “literally everything”, which by definition includes chemtrails, Lorde records played backwards, the crackdown on the right to bear arms and the illuminati. Also, “L”, which experts agree is the first letter of “Lorde”, is the Roman numeral for 50. And, think about it, if you rearrange the letters of Lorde, Key and Obama, and add a few, you get something terrifyingly close to “9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB”.

See also:

Lorde moves in mysterious ways

Lorde on high

London Olympics a giant Zionist-Illuminati plot – Iranian media

Peppa Pig – propoganda tool for weird feminists

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One Response to “The terrible truth about Lorde’s real age”

  1. Awryly Feb 25 2014, 2:54pm

    Lorde is a kooky teenager that most other teenagers have created to give their lives a meaning of sorts. When she falls out of flavour, they will invent a new one. I am sure she and her no-doubt-vaste entourage know that and are squeezing the moment for everything it is worth.
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