1. “Guy Fieri, have you eaten at your new restaurant …? Have you pulled up one of the 500 seats at Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar and ordered a meal? Did you eat the food? Did it live up to your expectations? Did panic grip your soul as you stared into the whirling hypno wheel of the menu, where adjectives and nouns spin in a crazy vortex? When you saw the burger described as ‘Guy’s Pat LaFrieda custom blend, all-natural Creekstone Farm Black Angus beef patty, LTOP (lettuce, tomato, onion + pickle), SMC (super-melty-cheese) and a slathering of Donkey Sauce on garlic-buttered brioche,’ did your mind touch the void for a minute?”
Which newspaper printed a widely lauded restaurant review – the opening inquiries of which are above – constructed entirely of questions?
2. “In my own spy novels, I would never dare to write such a story – my readers wouldn’t stand for it … If this had happened in a novel, readers would have flung the book across the room … When the film of this is made, as it inevitably will be, the scriptwriters will have a mountain to climb to make it seem more believable.”
What is Jeremy Nuns talking about?
3. “While it is true we are still largely a cannibalistic society, we mostly reserve the consumption of human flesh to ceremonial occasions. It’s unlikely as a tourist that you will be eaten but you’d be wise to err on the side of caution. Americans are especially valued for their ample rumps and tender texture owing to their years of slothful, sedentary lifestyle. As a civilised nation, we try not to victim-blame, but if you go about with condiments on your person you really are asking for it.”
That comment is rated “best” of more than 1,000 in a discussion about what life is like for Americans in which country? (Quarter point.) It appeared on which site? (Three-quarters of a point.)
4. “Belize is, today, still a pirate haven and is run more or less along the lines established centuries ago by the likes of Captain Morgan, Blackbeard and Captain Barrow: Plunder is the preferred means of wealth acquisition; Exploitation is the preferred formula for success; Brutality creates respect; Fear is the means of governance; Extortion is the method of collecting what is due. It’s a system that functions more or less smoothly if you play by the rules. I am not fond of these rules however and I openly oppose them. This is the root of my struggle here in Belize.”
Who’s that, then?
5. “Far over, the Misty Mountains rise / Leave us standing upon the height / What was before, we see once more / Is our kingdom, a distant light?”
Whose words are those?
A N S W E R S
1. The New York Times .
2. The Petraeus scandal .
3. New Zealand. Reddit. 
4. John McAfee, the anti-virus man .
5. Neil Finn ’s. It’s his Hobbit song.