SATURDAY JANUARY 21
Under the Tuscan Sun (TV1, 8.30pm). This girls’-night-in confection was largely responsible for changing a region into a cliché: buying a villa in Tuscany is about as clear a sign of a mid-life crisis as getting a red Porsche. And that’s what Frances is having – a post-divorce wobble that leads to real-estate madness. It’s loosely based on Frances Mayes’s own story, but although Mayes bought the villa, she stayed happily married, which wouldn’t have offered many prospects for a romantic comedy. It’s so stunning to look at, it might as well have been made by the Italian tourism authority, and the gorgeous Diane Lane looks right at home. (2003) 6
Minority Report
Into the Blue (TV2, 8.30pm). A young couple who look great in their swimming togs realise they are not in an episode of America’s Next Top Model when they happen upon a haul of cocaine while out diving for treasure. Jessica Alba and Paul Walker are the main eye candy in this pervy action-adventure. But wait – it was nominated for two awards, er, a Golden Raspberry for Alba’s acting and a Golden Trailer for its preview. A sinker. (2005) 5
Shutter (Four, 9.05pm). The Asian horror remake is fast becoming a haven for out-of-favour actors, and this US version of a Thai movie is no exception. “You mean ghosts?”, gasps Joshua Jackson, late of Dawson’s Creek. Why, yes we do. “Spirit photography”, to be exact: a Japanese woman killed in a car accident and desperate to wreak her revenge via the shocking medium of film. This was not released to the critics. One who bothered to see it said: “For a good clue to the quality level contained herein, take the title of the movie and replace the ‘u’ with an ‘i’.” (2008) 4
Noi the Albino (Maori, 9.30pm). Apparently, being Icelandic means you are 25 times more likely to be quirky than if you are born in any other country. Take Björk, for example. In Iceland, she is a very dull girl. Here we have a coming-of-age story set in a place so dark, wintry and freezing that alcoholism seems quite a sensible lifestyle choice. Young Noi (Tomas Lemarquis) has a drinking dad and an absent mum, and there’s a crazy girl from the city (Elin Hansdottir) pumping gas in the frozen wilderness. Why this job appeals to her, we don’t know, but it does, and so does Noi. Deadpan Icelandic chaos ensues. An interesting start for debut filmmaker Dagur Kari, whose band, Slowblow, provides the moody soundtrack. (2003) 7
SUNDAY JANUARY 22
Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa (TV3, 7.00pm). Good fun from DreamWorks in which New York zoo animals Alex the cocky lion, Melman the hypochondriac giraffe, Marty the streetwise zebra and Gloria the sassy hippo rather confusingly escape from Africa (the island of Madagascar) to Africa (the mainland) when their plane crashes. Once again, it’s mainly Alex’s story (voiced by Ben Stiller), and the film steers a bit too close to The Lion King plotwise, but there’s still a lot of nice work here. Love the parallel story about the New York tourists who singlehandedly almost destroy the ecosystem when they dam the river. (2008) 6
McHale’s Navy (Four, 8.30pm). A rubbish adaptation of the TV series
in which time-warping
Tim Curry plays a Russian who is tired of being known as “the second-best terrorist in the world”. Brings new meaning to “Rocky Horror” and new shame for Curry and pals Tom Arnold, Dean Stockwell and Ernest Borgnine. (1997) 3
Heaven’s Burning (Maori, 8.30pm). You can tell a film needs a stable home when it’s described as a “drama, action & adventure, art house & international, mystery & suspense, comedy”. Given that its star, Russell Crowe, generally veers wildly between trying too hard and not giving a monkey’s, it’s no great surprise that this Aussie mash-up makes about as much sense as a duckbilled platypus. There’s a bit of everything, including a nonsensical plot: Crowe is the getaway driver in a bank robbery with two Afghans and he gains an accidental tourist when runaway Japanese bride Midori (Youki Kudoh) gets caught up in the heist. Following along behind are the furious almost-husband, two cops, the Japanese press … (1997) 5
Blades of Glory (TV2, 8.45pm). Figure skating is funny even without Will Ferrell. (2007) 7
Meet the Spartans (TV3, 9.00pm). Whoa! Here’s the barrel. And the bottom of it. And something to scrape it with. When the kindest thing a reviewer can say is “everybody should be ashamed”, you know that a piss-take about the Spartans’ battle with Xerxes and his Persian army was a very, very bad idea. (2008) 1
MONDAY JANUARY 23
The Time Traveler’s Wife (TV2, 8.30pm). Marriage is hard enough even when you’re not constantly time-warping to another age, so it’s a bit of a struggle for Henry and Clare, although he’s mighty handy when it comes to picking lottery numbers. This romantic drama, based on the bestseller by Audrey Niffenegger and directed by Robert Schwentke (Red), is maddeningly short on logic and consistency, but stars Eric Bana and Rachel McAdams look great together. Poor Clare spends too much screen time waiting for Henry to come back or watching him crumble before her eyes, which is essentially the problem here. (2009) 6
Minority Report (TV3, 8.30pm). A little game of “Who’s watching the watchers?” set in 2054. Tom Cruise is in top form as Precrime squad boss John Anderton who is in charge of the Pre-Cogs, genetically altered humans who predict crimes before they take place. But then his colleagues “see” him commit a murder in the next 36 hours and he must prove his innocence. Steven Spielberg directs a taut and clever film that works well as an action movie and as a cerebral thriller. (2002) 8
TUESDAY JANUARY 24
Land of the Lost (TV3, 7.30pm). Let’s do the time warp again, again. Will Ferrell loosely remakes the 1970s TV series about a park ranger and his kids who rafted down a river and ended up in Dinosaurland. Ferrell’s version is a spoof (he’s now a palaeontologist with a brainy research assistant and a redneck in tow) and really just a collection of sketches about the bodily functions of long-dead creatures. But it looks pretty good and no children in their right mind will turn down the chance of seeing a gross-out movie about dinos, alien lizards and monkey people. (2009) 6
Ever After: A Cinderella Story (Four, 8.30pm). In the 16th century, a funky chick (Drew Barrymore) breathes new life into an old story. No pumpkins, no fairy godmothers. (1998) 7