SATURDAY DECEMBER 17
Michael Bublé’s Christmas (TV3, Saturday, 7.30pm). Let’s get all the Christmas specials out of the way early, shall we? It’s always wise to be prepared in case of emergency and rubbish television, and this year’s line-ups are so dire we feel honour-bound to warn you. “Thank goodness the Listener told us about Michael Bublé’s Christmas,” you’ll be saying. “That was a close call!” Otherwise you may have suffered through Bublé performing hits from his latest Christmas album (his latest one? How many are there?), and the special guest appearances by Justin Bieber, Oscar the Grouch, Thalia (who?) and the Puppini Sisters (who?). Saved in the nick of time. Forewarned is forearmed when it comes to Christmas in the Park 2011 (TV3, Sunday, 7.00pm), although watching it on TV is preferable to the horrors of a crowd of 300,000 at the Auckland Domain and the inevitable traffic chaos on the way home. We’ll grant you that. TV3 says it’s the happiest night of the year, but it is clearly lying, especially when the line-up includes Stan Walker, Ainslie Allen, Jackie Clarke and Frankie Stevens. We are happy to spare you from My Big Fat Gypsy Christmas (TV1, Thursday, 8.30pm), which is just a seasonal nightmare of excessive tulle consumption when the travellers return to Ireland for a series of ridiculous weddings and communions. On the food front, it’s the usual suspects. It doesn’t get more tedious than Jamie’s Best Ever Christmas (TV1, Saturday, 7.30pm), Nigella’s Christmas Kitchen (Prime, Tuesday, 8.00pm) and Rick Stein’s Christmas (Prime, Tuesday, 8.35pm). No one’s ever going to cook super-spiced and juicy roast turkey with gingerbread stuffing (Nigella) or braised duck in spiced orange juice (Rick), because Nana can’t eat it. You might thank us for pointing out the Community Christmas special (Four, Friday, 8.00pm), which is a stop-motion animated extravaganza. That’s until you hear the singing. Yes. They ruined Community with singing. That leaves only one thing worth watching. No, not Michael Flatley: Lord of the Dance (Prime, Saturday, 8.40pm). It is, of course, Grumpy Guide to Christmas (Prime, Sunday, 7.30pm).
Camelot
Camelot (SoHo, Sky 010, 8.30pm). The swords and sorcery genre has taken off since Spartacus: Blood and Sand made slo-mo blood spatter the new bullet time, and it has been attracting some reasonably big names, too – Sean Bean in Game of Thrones, for example, and now Joseph Fiennes and Eva Green in Camelot. It’s a typically adult reworking of the Arthurian myth from the mind of The Tudors’ creator Michael Hirst, in which Merlin (Fiennes) is an Alastair Campbell-style spinmeister trying to shore up the throne before someone else gets it. When King Uther dies, Merlin is the puppeteer who installs the king’s son, Arthur (Jamie Campbell Bower), who is pretty new to this whole royal thing on account of having been brought up as a commoner. But there’s a Bond girl waiting for her chance – Green as Arthur’s evil sister, Morgan. “Seriously camp fun,” said the Guardian’s Andrew Collins.
Michael Flatley: Lord of the Dance (Prime, 8.40pm). The monumental hubris of calling himself Lord of the Dance doesn’t seem to have dimmed Michael Flatley’s star – apparently, audiences still flock to see the twinkle-toed Irishman 13 years after he began the worldwide trend for dancing with stiff arms. Here’s footage, both onstage and behind the scenes, from the Dublin and London legs (ha ha) of his 2011 European tour.
SUNDAY DECEMBER 17
Cricket (Sky Sport 1, Sky 030, 2.00pm). Sky Sport is calling it the Summer of Cricket, and there does seem rather a lot of it to justify the claim. The domestic Twenty20 season starts today with the Auckland Aces vs Wellington Firebirds at Colin Maiden Park, Auckland. The tournament runs right through January before two one-dayers in February. On the international front, after the Black Caps’ tour of Australia, we host Zimbabwe throughout January and South Africa during February. Over in Oz, their Twenty20 domestic tournament is called, with typical bluntness, the T20 Big Bash League and it runs throughout December and January.
Christmas in the Park 2011 (TV3, 7.00pm). It wouldn’t be Christmas without massive crowds and light entertainment. TV3 puts together footage from the two Christmas in the Park events at the Auckland Domain and Christchurch’s Hagley Park. Hilary Barry, Jeremy Corbett and Drew Neemia host, and the line-up includes the cast of the musical Jersey Boys, the Earlybirds, Vince Harder and Massad, Ainslie Allen, Jackie Clarke and Frankie Stevens, and gospel singer Juliagrace.
MONDAY DECEMBER 19
Prep & Landing (TV2, 7.00pm). You know it’s nearly Christmas when they’re dragging out Shrek and Kung Fu Panda. Holiday specials begin tonight with Prep & Landing, the cute animated story of how Santa makes it to the houses of all the good boys and girls every year. It’s all down to the elves, of course, the working underclass – the 99% you might say – that makes Santa look good. On Tuesday, it’s the sequel, Prep & Landing 2, featuring the voice of It-girl Betty White as Mrs Claus. Mike Myers’s jolly green Scottish ogre appears on Wednesday in Shrek the Halls; Merry Madagascar is Thursday’s after-dinner treat for the littlies; and Kung Fu Panda Holiday Special rounds out the week, leaving only two sleeps until Christmas.
Modern Family (TV3, 7.00pm). There are many mysteries in this world: dark matter, Donald Trump’s hair … and why New Zealand audiences seem to prefer repeats of Two and a Half Men to the clever Emmy Award-winning Modern Family. Here’s our chance to make that right. While John Campbell puts his feet up, Family gets another go-around, beginning with season two.
The Mentalist (TV2, 8.30pm). Whoa, is this the moment for which we’ve been waiting three long seasons? TV2 screens both parts of the finale of the season as Jane at last gets within spitting distance of psycho killer Red John. The first episode concerns an investigation that points to Red John’s involvement (and sees an appearance from Agent Hightower, who has been in hiding); in the second, one of Jane’s elaborate schemes exposes Red John’s mole in CBI, and Jane actually has a sit-down with the evil red one. But will there be – that dreaded word – closure?
The Supersizers Go … (Prime, 8.30pm). A popular history series in which restaurant critic Giles Goren and comedian Sue Perkins experience different British eras through food. The title comes from the first episode in 2007 called Edwardian Supersize Me in reference to the Morgan Spurlock movie. Since then the concept has been expanded to cover Restoration, Victorian, Elizabethan, Regency and the 1970s and 80s. Tonight’s episode is Wartime, and Coren and Perkins are eating yummy spam and dried egg. To make it a bit more interesting, they dress in WWII clothes, pretend to be in blackouts and air raids, and have some GIs around for tea. One thing that becomes abundantly clear is the raw deal that women got – Coren gets to quaff champagne and smoke cigars à la Churchill while Perkins is indoors trying to make dinner from a cow’s heart. “We’ve travelled from 100BC to the 1980s and the only job I’ve had is a part-time one at the travel agents,” Perkins told the Scotsman. “There’s always been a lot of cleaning, but I very nearly went mental during the 1950s. Cleaning was all I did.”
TUESDAY DECEMBER 20
SAS: The Search for Warriors (TV1, 9.30pm). The surprise of SAS: The Search for Warriors might not be just how tough it is to become an Australian SAS officer – that much we could already guess – but the mordant wit displayed during the process. One exercise, in which soldiers spend five days with just one hot meal and little sleep undergoing extreme mental and physical challenges, is named “Lucky Dip”. Another, in which the candidates have to navigate hundreds of kilometres of rugged Western Australia hill terrain, is called the “Happy Wanderer”. The SAS is usually a secretive bunch, but it seems the Australian military decided to let cameras onto the brutal 21-day selection course in the hopes of boosting recruitment – and to weed out the starstruck. The first challenge at the training camp north of Perth is carrying a 20kg pack 20km in under three hours and 15 minutes. That’s the least of it. Training sessions are brutal, no matter how fit a soldier, and then there’s the psychological testing and torture. The candidates may be repeatedly woken through the night by blaring music and they undergo gruelling psyche evaluation sessions. If they manage to survive the course, it’s just the beginning of 12 months of proper SAS training. No wonder only 26 out of 131 pass the initial evaluation, and another six don’t make it through to the end.
Twins (TV3, 9.40pm). Psychologists love twins, don’t they? Endless fun tests await siblings who are willing, and in Twins, identical twins who have grown up apart are put under the documentary microscope. Up first are Mia and Alexandra, sisters who were adopted separately and raised in different countries. Their parents in the US and Norway reunite them and are startled at how similar they are, despite their different upbringings. Then there are Paul and Iain. The former leads an unhealthy lifestyle of smoking, drinking and bad food choices, whereas the latter lives an active life in New Zealand, kayaking, walking and eating five fruit and veg a day. Unfortunately, Iain discovers he might not be as healthy as he thought when Paul has a heart attack.
WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 21
Comedy Christmas Special: A Feast of Funny (TV2, 8.30pm). TV2 sees TV3’s Comedy Convoy and raises it a Feast of Funny. This stand-up special filmed at the Sky City Theatre last month is hosted by British comedian Jason Cook, and features Australians Wil Anderson and Tom Gleeson, with American Des Bishop and Irishman Peter O’Doherty. Looks like we’re about to find out what happens when an Englishman, an Australian and an Irishman walk into a casino. Also on the bill are Kiwis Brendhan Lovegrove and Simon McKinney and honorary New Zealander Urzila Carlson.
THURSDAY DECEMBER 22
The X Factor (TV3, 7.30pm). The final episodes tonight and tomorrow. What a shame.