CHRISTMAS EVE
The Royle Family: Joe’s Crackers (UKTV, Sky 006, 7.30pm). Another Christmas of tiny expectations and undreamt dreams with Britain’s other Royle family. In this special, Dave and Denise worry that their gift of a fridge magnet won’t be good enough; Cheryl recounts a romantic encounter in the supermarket car park; and Joe from next door reminisces about a drunk evening of wrestling Bobby Carter naked in front of the fire.
CHRISTMAS DAY
HM the Queen’s Christmas Message (TV1, 6.50pm). So you know what time to be upstanding.
The Gruffalo (UKTV, Sky 006, 7.00pm). The classic picture book comes to life, with the voices of Helena Bonham Carter, James Corden, John Hurt, Tom Wilkinson, Rob Brydon and Robbie Coltrane (as the Gruffalo).
David Suchet on the Orient Express
David Suchet on the Orient Express (Prime, 7.20pm). We shouldn’t be too serious at Christmas, and this programme fits the bill nicely. David Suchet – who is, of course, the best Poirot ever – doesn’t don a waxed moustache or perfectly tailored trousers for this real-life expedition that starts in London and ends in Prague with stops in Paris and Venice in-between. It’s a splendid time all round. Suchet dines on fillet of beef with the train manager as his compartment is turned into a bedroom by the steward, the champagne flows, the train is beautiful down to the corridor candlestick holders, and Suchet even gets to drive the famous train.
The Royal Variety Performance (TV1, 7.25pm). Royal Variety Performances are usually so boring it’s just as well they’re perfectly timed for that after-dinner snooze, but you might want to keep the eyelids propped up for Kiwi comedian Sam Wills, aka The Boy with the Tape on His Face. The rest of the line-up includes Nicole Scherzinger, Cee-Lo Green, Pixie Lott, Il Divo, Barry Manilow, and the cast of the West End show Singin’ in the Rain. For more Barry Manilow – words we thought we’d never say – there’s An Audience with Barry Manilow tomorrow night (TV1, 7.30pm).
Rock & Chips: Five Gold Rings (UKTV, Sky 006, 8.30pm). Only Fools and Horses: The Early Years. A prequel, in which a 16-year-old Del Boy (James Buckley) has just left school and is working on the docks selling 45s (that’s a kind of musical recording on a circular piece of plastic) off the back of a boat. It’s not laugh-out-loud funny, but there’s a gentle nostalgia in the repressed pre-Beatles Britain. Nicholas Lyndhurst plays local crim Freddie, who is having an affair with Del Boy’s mum, Joan (Kellie Bright).
BOXING DAY
James May’s Man Lab (TV3, 7.30pm). Inspired to duel another bloke or make your own toilet paper yet? It’s an irony that while James May slaves away at his “mission to save modern man”, all that men have to do is sit back and press the remote. Still, vicarious thrills in the final episode in which May aims to prove that an Englishman can take a penalty and score.
The One Ronnie (TV1, 8.30pm). Ronnie Barker died in 2005; now, Ronnie Corbett finally gets his time to shine with this special marking his 80th birthday last year. There’ll be more one-liners and puns than you can poke a rubber chicken at, and quite a number of British comedians dressing up as women. Ah, the good old days of comedy. Guests include Little Britain’s David Walliams and Matt Lucas, Catherine Tate (who is not averse to dressing up as a woman), Harry Enfield, Miranda, and Charlotte Church, who is not a comedian. That we know of.
The Supersizers Go … (Prime, 8.30pm). Is it a documentary, a reality show or a history lesson? The Supersizers Go … is fun nonetheless, and this week Giles Coren and Sue Perkins are dressing, thinking and eating Restoration. It’s back to the 1660s, where the breeches were tight and the skirts were wide. Also, wigs were huge, and that’s just the men. They eat coxcombs and eel pie and drink loads of small beer (that’s the 17th-century equivalent of light beer, although a lot more cloudy). Sue learns some hot 1660s dance moves, Giles pursues lobster, and there is a plague picnic. The proof of the pudding is in the doctor’s visit at the end of the week, when they find out how healthy the living was in Samuel Pepys’s time.
Autistic Superstars (Prime, 9.40pm). One of the many curious aspects of the autistic brain is selective musical ability, most often a trait with nowhere to express itself. In this reality-style show, radio DJ Reggie Yates finds autists with extraordinary talent, but whose social skills or anxieties have so far precluded their performing. How he coaxes them on stage is an adventure in itself: there’s 23-year-old Carly from Manchester who speaks in an American accent when she is nervous and loses her temper when asked questions; and there’s 18-year-old Martin who doesn’t speak, but sings the Temper Trap’s Sweet Disposition with utter conviction.
TUESDAY DECEMBER 27
The Big Food Fight (Prime, 8.00pm). Sue Perkins (see The Supersizers Go … above) pops up again in The Big Food Fight, which is more of a panel show than a documentary. But what the hey, we’re loosening our belt for Christmas. Perkins is the host of this quiz show which pits a well-known chef and his team against resident captain Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall and his team. Guests during the season include Heston Blumenthal, Charlotte Church, Janet Street-Porter, Sophie Dahl and Clarissa Dickson Wright.
Dobbo’s Plays of the Year (TV3, 9.50pm). It sounds like is should be accompanied by one of those huge radio voices: the most outraaageous sporting moments of the year! Kiwi stuntman extraordinaire, Jody Hooker! American Rocket Man Dan Schlund! Blah, blah, blah …
The Gruen Transfer (TV3, 10.20pm). A bit old – the 2010 season – but brilliant none the less. Wil Anderson leads a panel of advertising experts who dissect the strategies behind the ads, and two ad creatives are tasked with building a case for something unpalatable – tonight it’s oil spills. Hmm. If this were a current show, we’d say “too soon”.
WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 28
The X Factor Australia (TV3, 7.30pm). TV3 fills up the holiday schedule with the Aussie X Factor – four nights a week – today until Saturday – for the duration. Judges and mentors are singers Ronan Keating and Guy Sebastian, and Australian actress and singer Natalie Bassingthwaighte and former Spice Girl Mel B. Be prepared for the next Justin Bieber or Miley Cyrus – the entrants’ age limit has been lowered to 14.
Falling Skies
Falling Skies (TV2, 8.30pm). Christmas is family time and who better to bring back blockbuster family fare for the summer than Steven Spielberg? The auteur has executive-produced two big-budget TV series this year that feature plucky survivors fighting dangerous and apparently unbeatable foes, and in the first, Falling Skies, the threat comes from aliens. Yes, family time is post-apocalyptic survival time, as Noah Wyle (ER) and a group of civilians and soldiers fight, run and hide from invading aliens that have devastated the human population and are enslaving children with their evil devices. Wyle plays Tom Mason, a professor of military history whose knowledge might come in handy, but who clashes with military leader Dan Weaver, played by Will Patton. Mason is trying to keep his two sons alive at the same time as looking for his third son, who has been abducted by aliens for real. This is classic Spielberg, although without a War of the Worlds aliens-catch-a-virus ending. Credit must go to co-creator Robert Rodat, who previously wrote Saving Private Ryan for Spielberg; they’ve created an old-fashioned run-from-the-monsters adventure with lashings of family values and a hint of love interest in Anne Glass (Moon Bloodgold), who plays the group’s doctor. However, Mason is still mourning his wife, killed in the invasion six months earlier. If Falling Skies has a flaw, it’s that Spielberg was thinking television when he should have been going for film. It looks slightly cheap; some of the sets look like … sets; sometimes there is a lack of real danger. But the mechanised aliens are cool, their laser weapons are scary and their six-legged bodies are like a 2x version of the aliens from War of the Worlds. Spielberg might well be making the same story over and over, but who cares when it’s a fun adventure? And we’ve got the next Spielberg executive-produced summer TV blockbuster to look forward to. It has dinosaurs.
FRIDAY DECEMBER 30
Live at the Apollo (TV2, 8.30pm). More comedy for the festive season. Christmas really is the happiest holiday on Earth, isn’t it? Here’s a British line-up of stand-ups filmed at the Hammersmith Apollo in London: Scottish comic Kevin Bridges presents sets from Jack Whitehall and quite possibly the only female Iranian comedian in the world, Shappi Khorsandi. But wait, the laughter just goes on and on with Wanda Sykes: I’ma Be Me following Live at the Apollo at 9.30pm. The American comedian (who starred in The New Adventures of Old Christine) riffs on America’s first black President, coming out, going on a gay cruise, and getting older.
Comedy Gala (TV3, 9.30pm). Even more comedy for the festive season. American comedian Arj Barker hosts a gala that was taped during this year’s International Comedy Festival.
The Jonathan Ross Show Christmas Special (TV1, 9.35pm). Fantastic line-up for Wossy’s Chrissy spesh. Tom Cruise promotes the new Mission Impossible film, but who cares about him when Downton Abbey’s Laura Carmichael (Lady Edith), Jessica Brown-Findlay (Lady Sybil) and Michelle Dockery (Lady Mary) are on the couch? The cast of The Inbetweeners probably mean less to us, although the TV series and its spin-off movie are enormously popular in the UK. Brilliant Aussie comedian Tim Minchin does a Christmas song, and teenage tenor trio Il Volo do a turn as well.