Sport
Cut that out
by Paul Lewis
Unkind cuts and worries about expression make you wonder about reporting the sporting life.
Every now and then something happens in the world of sport that makes you question your commitment. I have friends, you see, who cannot understand the appeal of working in sport.
They read stories like the recent one about David Beckham being unable to do his six-year-old’s maths homework and, without putting it quite like this, they think: “Lewis is bright enough to do up his own shoelaces without falling over – why doesn’t he get a real job? Why does he like writing about illiterate grunters?’’ I assure you that these friends do have redeeming qualities. Somewhere.
But, every now and then, sport throws up something so implausibly stupid that you do start to question your place in the (left) field. Like Geoff Huish, the 26-year-old Welshman who was so convinced that England would beat Wales in 2005 Six Nations rugby that he said he would cut his testicles off if Wales won. They did and he did.
This week, it has been the turn of breast-pumping netballer Janine Ilitch. Actually, my beef is not with Ilitch, who seems a pretty sensible woman, but with Norma Plummer, the hard-nosed Australian netball coach. She got all bent out of shape because Ilitch said she would be expressing milk with a breast pump so that she could continue to feed her six-month-old son during the Commonwealth Games in Melbourne.
Plummer said she had been under the impression that Ilitch would stop breast-feeding before the Games. “I can’t promise her anything, because we haven’t seen the layout [of rooms in the athletes’ village] or what’s available,’’ said Plummer. “We don’t have our own bedrooms and facilities. It’s not that easy. There are also other people to consider. There’s not a lot of room and the players might need their rest and she is in there expressing.’’
Norma, daaarling. The pressure’s already on, isn’t it? The Silver Ferns are favourites to win the gold medal and end the Australian supremacy at netball in Commonwealth Games (they won in ’98 and ’02).
Point one: breast-feeding and mother’s milk is proven to be better for babies. Point two: how hard can it be to find somewhere private to do a bit of breast-pumping? I mean, they’ll give the poor girls loos with doors, won’t they? Point three: will the Aussie netballers run screaming into the night at the horrific sight of a breast and a pump?
Netballers are made of sterner stuff. I’m just thinking how to put this politely, but netballers are kind of like rugby players. There’s a bit of unfettered, boisterous joy in netballers. When they party, they party hard.
A netball celebration is not a place for the faint-hearted. I can remember a rugby team-mate’s birthday party which got a bit, well, unrestrained and the netball girls from the club did an impromptu can-can. They were all still wearing netball gear but none of them appeared to have remembered undergarments.
Wives and girlfriends came from everywhere to block our view of this remarkable spectacle, but it was too late. We’d already been outraged.
But enough of lack of knickers and back to Norma – and that’s not as big a jump as you might imagine. Norma has a face like she’s sucked on something too hard, usually when she is talking to the New Zealand media after an Australian loss.
She went on to make matters worse by expressing (no pun intended) concern that Ilitch would continue to lose weight if she continues to breast-feed and that her loss of weight could impact on the team.
Not half as much as their coach losing weight in the head, eh Norma? I mean, if she’s worried about Ilitch’s weight, she can surely pack a few doughnuts into her or give her the good old mashed-potatoes-and-beer diet.
What’s the fuss all about? Let the poor girl give milk to her baby. No, Norma, I’m afraid you are right up there with John Hopoate and his famous finger which went where no rugby league tackle should ever go. You’re even now on a par with Huish, who (as was breathlessly reported by the Sun) apparently had no history of mental problems. That’s right, pal, you’re as sane as the rest of us. Huish took 10 minutes to hack off his dangly bits with a pair of blunt wire cutters. He then put them into a blue plastic bag before going back to the pub to tell fellow Wales fans. He collapsed – bit of a surprise, that – and horrified drinkers put his severed parts into a pint glass filled with ice. Now there’s a pub you’d not be going back to in case you got that glass, right?
“It wasn’t a bet, but I said I’d cut my balls off if we won,’’ said the not-mentally-ill Huish. “After the match I got up for a pee and saw the cutters in the bathroom. Gethin [a mate] had left them after repairing the chain on the toilet. I remembered what I’d said to him and thought he’d left them there for me.
“So I started hacking away at my tackle. It took about 10 minutes and there was a lot of pain – but I just kept going.’’
Geoff – meet Norma. Norma – meet Geoff. And put down that breast pump. You’ll just do yourself a mischief. Or impact on the team.
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