The Nativity Story
TV Films
TV Films
by Matt Nippert
SATURDAY DECEMBER 8
Doom (TV3, 8.30pm). Doom came to prominence as a blunt first-person-shooter computer game. The plot? Negligible. Waves of demons are mowed down by an anonymous space marine wielding a BFG-9000 (the acronym stands for Big F---ing Gun). Given this lack of depth, it isn’t surprising that the main roles are anchored by Kiwi Karl Urban and ex-professional wrestler Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson, performers better known as beefcakes than method actors. Too often mindless entertainment minus the entertainment, one rare effusive critic said it was “easily the best videogame-to-film adaptation yet”. (2005) 1
Walking Tall (TV2, 8.35pm). Dwayne Johnson’s star went nova a few years ago, as he’s simultaneously playing action hero both here and over on TV3 (Doom). Here the former professional wrestler plays a special forces veteran who cleans his home town of the pernicious influence of a nearby casino. Director Kevin Bray got this gig on the strength of his ‘NSync music videos and Johnson’s sidekick is Johnny Knoxville of Jackass. The result is a dumb six-pack of fun, sure to keep the beer and abs crowd happy. (2004) 4
Abouna (Maori TV, 9.30pm). Teenagers in Chad deal with the universal subject of deadbeat dads, after two boys go to the cinema and think they see their absent parent on screen, then steal a reel of film and unspool it to look for their father. Mum’s not impressed, and the kids get sent to a stern Islamic boarding school to learn about responsibility. Moving, sad, and with beautiful green and ochre landscapes. (2004) 8
Solaris (TV3, 10.45pm). George Clooney in space in this remake of a 1972 Russian sci-fi flick based on a novel by Stanislaw Lem. An extremely restrained film – despite being produced by James Cameron there are no ray guns and only few special effects – Clooney goes to a weird space station and explores romantic longing with a facsimile of his dead wife. Although inching along at a torturously slow pace, the net effect is mesmerising. (2002) 7
SUNDAY DECEMBER 9
The Pacifier (TV2, 7.30pm). Vin Diesel (Pitch Black, xXx) treads where many muscle-bound meatheads have gone before (see Stallone, Schwarzenegger, “The Rock” et al) in trying to cross-over to family-friendly fare. Diesel, a bankable action hero, plays a hard-edged naval commando who is – hilariously! – left in charge of five children. North Korean and Serbian kidnappers, as well as the onset of puberty, are the stock villains here, but more than fish out of water casting was needed to save this Disney flick from flapping helplessly. The one highlight is Diesel directing a high school production of The Sound of Music. (2005) 2
The Guardian, (Sky Movies, 8.30pm). Top Gun for lifeguards, as veteran baywatcher Kevin Costner tries to break in his star pupil Ashton Kutcher, who’s nicknamed “Swimchamp”. As a stoic, rugged drill sergeant of the sea, Costner is relatively well-cast, but Kutcher is a little too wholesome to be a rebel. A drama lacking dramatic moments, The Guardian settles for extended training montages in place of character tension. On the plus side there’s plenty of topless men, and many are dripping wet. (2006) 4
The Karate Kid (MGM, 8.30pm). Rocky for nerds as a smooth-faced Ralph Macchio learns karate from Noriyuki Morita, better known as Arnold from Happy Days. The villains are the Cobra Kai karate club, the romantic interest is a young Elisabeth Shue, and martial arts are apparently learnt by washing, painting and sanding. Classic moments include fly-catching with chopsticks, the chilling command “Sweep the leg, Johnny!” and the Crane Kick, whose influence ACC will be cursing to this day. (1984) 7
Kombi Nation (C4, 8.30pm). Director Grant Lahood probably got the reality bug a little early. This fictional Kiwi production had the cast, including the underused Jason Whyte, travel through Europe in a Kombi van in 1999 while being filmed by both visible and hidden cameras. Whereas Big Brother has made the genre sinister, this effort appears timid – and the setting doesn’t quite capture the OE. Philip Matthews wrote that “European scenery appears so fleetingly that Lahood could have shot this at home in front of matte paintings of the Eiffel Tower and the Sagrada Familia”. (2003) 4
Boat Trip (TV2, 9.25pm). While Family First worry about the media demeaning the wholesome heterosexual family unit, Boat Trip reminds us that it’s still okay to laugh at fags. Cuba Gooding Jr and his Saturday Night Live partner Horatio Sanz play two straights who accidentally book berths on an all-gay cruise. Fellow passengers look like they’re all on their way to a Village People fan convention, and every opportunity is taken to beat homosexual stereotypes with a vulgar funny stick. USA Today called this film a “trifling atrocity”, while the Washington Post settled for “smutty, imbecilic farce”. Sir Roger Moore, throwing his career to the same winds as Gooding, plays an English queen. (2003) 1
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 12
Species (Prime, 8.30pm). It’s one sci-fi cliché after another in this Roger Donaldson-directed production after a top-secret experiment goes wrong and only shadowy government scientist Ben Kingsley stands in the path of the female menace. Natasha Henstridge plays an alien lacking modesty and morals who sheds clothing and skin as she ravishes and ravages everything in her path. This is Britney Spears as envisaged by H R Giger. (1995) 3
**THURSDAY DECEMBER 13
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