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Pipe dreams ahoy
by Jon Bridges
Coming up with ways to get across the Waitemata without a car just needs a little imagination.
In Auckland, options are being considered to allow walking or cycling across the Waitemata Harbour. Vociferous loonies are demanding to be able to walk from one part of the city to another.
New Zealand Transit has sought a little expert advice, recently commissioning an external report on ways to allow pedestrians to cross the harbour without having to make room for them on the harbour bridge. On Tuesday, that document was leaked to the media and is reprinted here for the first time.
Getting Across the Waitemata Without a Car: Report by Ryan, aged seven.
Introduction
When the harbour bridge was first being built, it wouldn’t have been easy to predict that people would want to get across to Birkenhead on their bikes or walking. That’s because for the first place, Birkenhead wasn’t invented then. But also New Zealand had a love affair with the automobile (which is a sort of big car). The love affair was merely metaphorical. Now New Zealanders have more cars each than almost any other country, but we haven’t received our prize for that yet. Also, scientists used to think the Earth was hollow and filled with oil, like a Jaffa, but oil instead of chocolate. But now that is not true any more.
The harbour bridge is the jewel in Auckland’s ring, and we don’t want tourists to see us walking around on it. They will think we can’t afford proper cars. So here are some ways we can get people across the harbour who are too lazy or poor to drive all the time.
By a catapult
In the Middle Ages, knights and peasants alike used catapults to travel into the centre of the castle, but to get outside again, they would walk or ride their steed. They were called “catapults” because they would catapult you wherever you wanted to go. The only bridge that allowed walking or bicycling in the medieval times was the drawbridge. A catapult could be constructed in Takapuna. It could be called the Catapuna, or the Takapult and would be a good transport solution.
In a balloon
Hot-air balloons were the first form of flight and widely used by the French. French people often say “bonjour” meaning “good jour”. The first human flight was on November 21, 1783, by Jean-François Pilâtre de Rozier and François Laurent d’Arlandes. These two French guys could easily operate a service from Birkenhead. The dropping-off point would be wherever the balloon touches down, which depends on the wind, so it could be the Viaduct Basin, or Mission Bay, or New Plymouth. Balloons can travel around the world in 80 days, so they would make it across the harbour in 3.55 minutes.
On horseback
Everyone knows that horses can swim, and not only sea horses. If we could only “harness” the power of these horses they could carry commuters and their backpacks safely to the city each day. Any horses that were reluctant to swim would be encouraged by using sticks.
Continental drifting
The Earth has a power of its own and can transport whole countries from place to place over time without the use of petrol. The first country to have continental drift was called Gondwanaland. People wanting to move across the harbour could easily assemble on the seabed near Northcote. Then by continental drift they could be in the city in time for the late Devonport or the early Plasticine era.
Migration
Migration is the moving of people or birds from one country to another. In countries like San Francisco, London, New York and Sydney you can cycle your bike or walk across their harbour bridges. So a simple way for Aucklanders to get across the harbour without cars is for them first to migrate to one of these countries and then go across the harbour.
Conclusion
There is no hurry to change the current situation. By about 2037 I envisage commuters using a combination of the above – say flying to the city, then migrating to London and drifting home – but until then, what’s wrong with everyone just using their cars?
www.getacross.org.nz
