Life
Come to think of it
by Bill Ralston
With my eight-hour working week, I am doing my bit to help the economy.
Some of you may have noticed that I am bone idle these days. Recently, I managed to shed my radio work, which took up an arduous two hours of the afternoon. At the risk of sounding like John Rowles, who had to have a cup of tea and a lie-down after a quick paso doble and a short waltz with Krystal on -Dancing with the Stars, I really am exhausted at the thought of working harder.
Come to think of it, I am exactly the kind of guy the Government is looking for to save the economy. Forget the nine-day fortnight, I’ve achieved the eight-hour working week. Of course, I do a bit of writing. That is the eight-hour bit. Actually, I might be exaggerating the hours there, but I don’t want the editor to think I just sit down and dash these columns off.
Obviously there are a couple of inherent dangers in failing to work hard. Penury is one that comes to mind. Boredom is another. There are only so many hours you can spend at the gym, having coffee and ringing up people who, frustratingly, cannot come to lunch because they are working.
So, I have decided to put my mind to doing something useful, like saving the economy. The problem with people working hard is that they don’t get
time to think, in which case the -Government is obviously working very hard indeed.
I, on the other hand, have plenty of time to ruminate on the problems of the world and therefore have decided to appoint myself as an adviser to the Government. Quite how I monetise that, as they would say in the corporate world, I haven’t figured out yet, but I am hoping Bill English will appreciate the free advice and give me a small percentage on the extra revenue my proposals generate for the economy.
For example, I have noticed the Government is thinking far too small. Prime Minister John Key recently announced he was going to spend another $2.5 million marketing New Zealand tourism in Australia. He estimated the extra tourist numbers generated would result in an immediate cash injection of $64 million into the economy.
For heaven’s sake, John, “man up”! Forget a wussy $2.5 million, make it $25 million and, by your own figures, you would get $640 million back. Admittedly, there would be no one left in Australia except that young woman in the bikini wandering about and plaintively asking, “Where the bloody hell are you?” Thanks to my plan, the answer is, “In New Zealand.”
Then there’s Transport Minister Steven Joyce’s bright idea to levy us all 6c a litre on petrol and –
put the money raised into a three-year, -$3 billion plan to build bigger and better state highways. The theory is this mega-spend will create more jobs and keep the economy ticking over as cars whisk their way to their destinations at maximum speeds.
This scheme is doomed from the outset. First, it means most of us will have to don horrible fluoro jackets, become roadworkers and lounge about on the side of the chewed-up highway with our pants at half-mast, displaying the traditional amount of bum cleavage.
As successive governments have been battling to upskill our workforce, we will have Masters graduates holding wee signs that say “Stop” and “Go”. This is not exactly encouraging the Knowledge Wave, is it, Steven?
Besides, mate, you are about to give $10 billion over 10 years to a bunch of people who have, in the past, displayed an unerring ability to construct highways that simply move traffic bottlenecks several kilometres down the road at a price of hundreds of millions of dollars.
No, I have a better idea. At 6c a litre the fuel tax will rapidly accumulate. Joyce just needs to wait a few months then trot down to SkyCity Casino and put it all on black. There is a 50:50 chance he’ll double his money. If he loses, he can just wait a couple of months and try again.
If the Auditor-General starts cutting up rough, there is a variation on this plan. Accumulate, say, half a billion dollars and give it to John Key to play with on the currency markets. He was bloody good at that in the past and there’s no reason to think he’s lost his touch.
In fact, he could have a lot of fun doing it. Annoyed with Kevin Rudd? Start shorting the Aussie dollar. George Soros made a bundle doing this kind of thing and he seemed to enjoy it a lot.
The time has come for the Government to start thinking creatively about our predicament and if they’re too busy, well, I will just have to do it for them.
